STARTING A NEW LIFE
I woke up at 6am feeling a lot of excitement knowing that I would be free in just an hour or two. I packed up my stuff and quietly walked out of the cell block where I had just spent the last year of my life. Most of the men were asleep, and as I went outside, ready to make the long one block walk to the administration offices for my release, low and behold there was Kelly all by himself outside. Kelly was a cook in the kitchen, so he must have been going to work to help prepare breakfast. Praise JESUS I was able to say one last goodbye to Kelly.
My Brother living in Las Vegas had sent ahead some of my personal clothing into the prison along with a great pair of running shoes. Wow what a blessing it was when the female administrator handed me my personal clothing. I quickly got changed into my own personal clothes, this being the first time in two years where I looked somewhat normal, and wow what a blessing it was to put on my expensive pair of running shoes. Another prisoner who had a very low level of security clearance from the prison camp next door, drove me to the airport. I now knew how it must feel for a Male Lion to be locked up in a cage. After living behind bars for two years I cant even begin to explain how strange and awkward it felt to be in a car driving down the street towards the airport. Two years had passed by and the world doesn’t stand still for us prisoners who are behind bars.
Upon entering the airport to catch my flight to Los Angeles, I quickly noticed that the price of fast food had gone up considerably. The plane landed after a very short flight, and there was my Dad standing in the arrival area waiting for me. My Dad gave me a big hug and we drove really slow towards the Half Way House which was located in the mountain overlooking Down Town Los Angeles where I had to do the last two months of my sentencing. The Half Way House is where inmates go after their prison time is done. They go there to get a job, to save up money for an apartment, and also for a little more close monitoring of the inmate. On the way to the Half Way House, my Dad was kind enough to stop at a fast food restaurant. Hmmmm, after eating jail and prison food for two years, I cant even explain to you how great of a blessing it was to get a real hamburger and french fries, WOW, PRAISE JESUS.
I was now checked into the Half Way House, and was told that until I find a job, I would have to live in one room with 5 other men. Arghhh oh well, only 60 days to go now and I would be living in my own apartment. I decided that I would find a job immediately, and then I would be moved into one of the dorms with two other men. I chose to Tele-market for a carpet cleaning company where GOD really blessed me with success. I did quite well at the job during the two months that I worked there. I did well enough, to where I was able to pay for my entire stay at the Half Way House, and to have a tiny financial head start with my new life.
The Half Way House administrator told me that I had to go to mandatory counseling, so of course I went. The first week I went to talk to the counselor, I kept mentioning how JESUS had done this for me and that and this and that. Well, I don’t think he liked that too much, because after doing the exact same thing on our second visit, he told the Half Way House that I didn’t need counseling any longer praise JESUS.
About two weeks before I was going to be released from the Half Way House, a good friend of the family came by to pick me up for dinner. Praise GOD, he took me to a very expensive Steak House in Pasadena, California. That was a great dinner we both had! He then took me to Circuit City and bought me a brand new computer with a 17" monitor. Little did Lou or myself know, but I was going to use this computer to preach to thousands upon thousands of people in just a short while from now.
The 60 days had passed by, and it was not time for me to live on my own. My Sister Julie gave me 2000 dollars to pay for my new apartment, and to buy a bed. My Dad and myself found a very small and inexpensive apartment about three blocks from where my Dad was living in Long Beach, California. Now that I was free, I knew that I had to quickly find a job. So I went back to what I knew how to do best at the time, Telemarketing. I was hired Telemarketing for the Law Enforcement in Long Beach, but that job didn’t last long. I was doing very well there, and I think one of the other male employees was jealous of me. One night for no reason at all, he tried to start a fight with me. Well he didn’t know that I was on probation, and if I was to get into a fight, I could get into very serious trouble with my probation officer, so of course I backed down and kept basically quiet. I quit that job and was hired quickly to Tele-market for a Real Estate office. They had a beautiful office upstairs where all of the employees would call people nationwide asking them if they would re finance their houses. Once again, JESUS super blessed me, I was always in the top three of sales just about every week, quite often being number one. I was taking the bus to work each day and of course catching the bus each night to come back home. I was using all of this bus time for JESUS, either worshiping him or praising him with my Christian music on my radio.
While working for the Mortgage Company I was giving JESUS all the credit for each and ever sale I got. After every single success on the phone, I then took a 5 minute break to go into the bathroom alone where I just thanked JESUS over and over again.
About three months before I was let out of prison, I had already started praying for a job and a car, and of course a Christian wife. After work at about 9pm at night, I many times walked to the bus stop in the poring rain. I felt a little depressed that my ex wife was rewarded our sport car, but this was a great lesson to go through as I fought back tears while standing in the rain waiting for the bus to show up.
JESUS was about to super bless me again, like he had done oh say 1000 times in the last two years. It was a Friday or Saturday night, and my Dad picked me up to have dinner with him at our favorite diner. During our dinner, everything went perfectly normal as far as our conversation was concerned. We talked about my work, and how I was feeling, and about my Dad too and his life. When we were done eating, my Dad said to me, why don’t we go by the car dealership and see if we can get you a car. I said UMMMMMMMMM ok!!!!!!!!!!! sure lets go!
We drove to the Ford dealership and they just so happened to have a brand new Red Ford Focus on sale! My Dad asked me if I thought I could afford the payments, and I told him that I am sure that I could, so my Dad put the car in his name to get better financing for me. Praise JESUS I was able to drive back home in a brand new car. The LORD had restored to my life a car to drive, replacing the one that was taken away from me.
At about the same time my Dad bought me that new car, I decided to ask JESUS for another blessing. I was in my new apartment one night, and presence of the LORD was just everywhere. In my mind, in my heart, in my soul, and in my apartment too. I wanted to write Christian music now, original Christian music, but I had no money and I had no credit either. I called my Brother on the phone and proceeded to tell him that I was thinking of asking Dad to buy me a brand new really expensive keyboard. My Brother said lets pray about it, so that is what we did. We prayed on the phone to JESUS for help, and then I walked over to my Dad’s house to have a talk with him. I had called my Dad on the phone and told him that I wanted to walk on over and ask him something, so he said sure, come on by. We both sad down in his Condo and I went ahead and explained how the brand new keyboards have built in mixers and computers in them, where I could play and record all of my music in its entirety all with the one keyboard. He thought it was amazing that the keyboards could do this now or that they had this technology inside of them. Then I asked him. I said Dad, could you please finance one of these keyboards for me at Guitar Center? HE SAID YES! We went out the next day to Guitar Center to purchase the 2000,00 dollar synthesizer. Thank you JESUS for blessing us over and over and over again.
I was praying every day now for JESUS to give me some original songs, and he NEVER failed me once. Over and over again, JESUS supernaturally gave me some of the most beautiful song I have ever heard. One of the ways he would give me a new song would be that I would simply put both of my hands on the keyboard, and allow JESUS to move them to the notes or chords that he wanted to. When that happened, it was like my mind was in a dream. I didn’t think about notes or where to move my hands, JESUS moved them himself. That was an incredible site to see. JESUS supernaturally gave me about 5 songs this way. Another way that he would write through me would be like this. I would sit down at the keyboard, and start moving my right hand and left hand myself, working on a new song with a little bit of human effort, while JESUS did all the rest. Or to put it another way, I would humanly speaking, try to write a new song with about a 30 percent effort, while I allowed JESUS to write the other 70 percent. Another time, I had just sat down at the keyboard barely even turning it on yet, when JESUS then proceeded to write a song through me in about two minutes. And this wasn’t just a song, it might be the best song he ever gave me. I quickly learned, the less I tried to write a new song, the more it allowed JESUS to write it. I found that if I tried really hard to write song, the LORD would allow me too, but it was always a struggle that way. So I had to learn through his miracles to take myself out of the song writing as much as possible allowing JESUS to take over as much as possible. It was just amazing to see how the LORD would write songs through my fingers. And not just songs, but songs as good as anything else that I ever heard on the radio.
JESUS didn’t write just songs through me, he also gave me lyrics supernaturally too. One day I was in front of the keyboard when I saw a pad of paper right next to it. I grabbed the entire pad of paper and a pen, and what happened next was just incredible! JESUS then wrote an entire song through my right hand in about sixty seconds. My right hand was writing sentence after sentence after sentence non stop, until the entire song was just about done. Wow I wish I had that on film, I would of loved to have watched that again.
One day, many years ago, I was in the shower, when out of nowhere, in the blink of an eye, JESUS did it again! In the span of about 5 minutes, JESUS gave me an entire song. Not on Keyboard of course, this one he gave for me to sing with the lyrics and melody. I rushed out of the shower, and ran over to my keyboard as fast as I could get dressed. I now had another miracle from GOD. I had the lyrics and melody supernaturally given to me, but I needed the music. I felt a little nervous about getting the music now, and I didn’t know if I should try to write it, or once again have JESUS supernaturally move my fingers. Well with the LORD, he never fails. He proceeded to give me the all of the music I would need for the song in a very, very short amount of time. Wow, JESUS gave me an entire song with the words, melody and music in a blink of an eye. I still sing this song to JESUS all the time in the shower and after writing this tonight, I think I will go take a shower and sing it to him right now!
Nobody has ever heard my music but THE LORD! At first I did have some dreams about recording my music and allowing other people to hear it, or maybe even putting it on the internet, but JESUS had other plans for me. At the very beginning of my music ministry, I even had dreams and goals about selling my songs on the internet for money, but praise JESUS he stopped me from doing that. I would never ever want to charge a fee for anything that the LORD JESUS has given to me for free. It did take a year or two for JESUS to teach me this, but praise GOD that he did. All Christian music I feel should be completely for free! After all of the years that have passed by up to now, still nobody but JESUS has ever heard my music, and as time goes by, i'm starting to like that idea more and more.
Because of a lot of the incredible miracles that JESUS had done for me while writing music, and also because of all of the lessons he had taught me about letting the LORD write more, and the human musician writing less, JESUS then sent many Christian musicians to me to teach and preach to. Throughout the years as the HOLY SPIRIT has brought musician after musician to me to speak to, I always shared with them everything that the LORD had taught me, and I passed on to them all of the GODLY wisdom that JESUS had given to me through my own incredible experiences. Up to this point in my life, I have had many, many conversations with young Christian musicians trying to share my knowledge and wisdom with them, the very best that I could.
Music has always been a huge part of my life, even from the age of 13, all the way to tonight, no matter what I do or where I go, I usually have music on. Even though JESUS was writing some of the most beautiful songs through me, and what an incredible feeling it was to have him do that, it was only a short time later when I was to put writing Christian music off to the side, because JESUS was going to show me that there was something much more important for me to do for him. Learning to hear the LORD clearly, and pushing all of the music writing off to the side did take a few years for me to completely obey him. After the LORD had pushed my music ministry off to the side, I still many different times tried to get it going again, but it always failed. One time I owned an entire Midi Studio in my apartment, JESUS didn’t tell me to spend thousands of dollars on this studio, ummmm I bought it all without even asking him. I worked really hard to get all of the money and to purchase all of the equipment one piece at a time. But when the studio was done, there was something very, very wrong. The HOLY SPIRIT just wasn’t helping me at all. There seemed to be a wall up now where I just wasn’t able to write anything, and in fact I didn’t even want to work on music. The anointing to work on music and to write music was completely gone now. Instead of that beautiful anointing that the LORD had given me for music, now I could honestly say that it was the exact opposite feeling. As a few weeks went by and I would sit there with all of my wonderful studio equipment, I felt dread in me each time that I even thought about recording any music. At this exact same time, my friends in Africa needed someone to sponsor a huge Christian concert there. The Concert was held in Nigeria and my Pastor friend who lived there would be one of the main speakers. So I told him sure! Ill send the money as soon as JESUS helps me to sell all of my equipment. I placed the entire studio for sale on the internet one piece at a time, and boy did the phone start ringing. JESUS sold my equipment really fast, and I was able to send my friend the money right on time, just one week before the concert was scheduled to start.
I guess sometimes I could be a little slow, what I mean is, even one year later I tried to buy a few pieces of equipment again, but the LORD just wasn’t with me anymore as far as the music was concerned. This time, I sold the equipment and took a huge financial loss, that was a hard lesson to learn. I will always be a musician for the LORD, and I am sure I will always love music, but I guess we have to put aside our selfish ambitions and learn to shoulder our cross daily.
A few weeks before I was let out of prison, I had already started to pray to JESUS to help me find a wonderful church to go to when I was finally free. On the second or third day that I was working Tele-marketing for the mortgage company, one of the women on her break happened to be talking to another woman right in front of me. She was talking so loud I couldn’t help but to hear her mention what a wonderful church that she had found. Well JESUS told me to enter that conversation, and the lady my co worker quickly invited me to go to her church too. I told her that I didn’t have a car yet, but she said that was no problem at all, and that she would make a few phone calls guaranteeing me she would definitely get someone to pick me up. Well she did make a phone call, and one of the church families was more then happy to pick me up each week for church.
The tiny little church was truly on fire for GOD. This was a Pentecostal church and during the worship sessions, there would be people crying with tears, men and women running around the church barefoot, people jumping up and down, and just about everything else you could possibly imagine. I had only been to church one other time besides prison, so I had no idea what to expect. What a huge blessing it was to be a brand new member of this church, because I also loved the LORD and during the worship sessions, the presence of JESUS was sooooo powerful. We saw many miracles of healing at that little church, and I really loved to go there each week, but then something happened. A few of their church doctrines started to bother me, and at the same time, I started to feel uncomfortable going there. I noticed that when I missed a few weeks of their church attendance, the family who was giving me a ride in their van to church each week, started to act differently towards me. Well that hurt my feelings, and now I didn’t feel comfortable going to that tiny Pentecostal church any longer, that is when I quit going there.
LEARNING HOW TO WORSHIP JESUS
Praise JESUS for my brand new car! I now wanted to find a new job where I could make a living driving. Tele-marketing is such a demanding and hard job to do, that I quickly started looking for a job as a Courier. Before I quit my Tele-marketing job though, I wanted to ask JESUS first, if this is the right thing to do, or please LORD show me what to do here is probably more of what I said to him. Well a few days later, he showed me very clearly what he wanted me to do. Over a two day period at work, my immediate supervisor turned down lead after lead after lead that I had sent to him. In fact, he was turning them down in front of the whole office, which was starting to embarrass me somewhat. My boss had never done this before, but now, no matter how many leads I turned into him, he was rejecting them one after another. After two days of this, and after he had rejected about eleven leads in a row of mine, my boss then called a meeting. At the very end of this fifteen minute meeting, he went on to tell us that if anyone wasn’t happy here anymore, to just write a letter of termination and hand it into him in his office. That was exactly what I did. I wrote him a beautiful letter thanking him over and over again for allowing me to work there, but wow did JESUS answer that request of mine. It was now time to move on to a new job, driving my car as a courier. After just a few days of looking, I was able to find a job working for a tiny courier company.
It was working for this small courier service, when JESUS taught me how to worship him. At about 10am in the morning, I was pulling into the driveway of one of our accounts to pickup the items that I needed to transport. This was approximately the third day of my new job, so I was trying to be careful to do a good job. I grabbed the red box and quickly walked back to my car and put the box inside the trunk. I was pulling out of the driveway to get back on to the freeway to pick up the next box, when JESUS said to me - Start worshiping me. It was right then when JESUS pored into me the grace that I needed to worship the LORD for hours at a time while I was driving down the freeways in my car. Right then in my car, with the Christian music playing on the radio, I started worshiping JESUS with all of my heart and soul. I was driving about 200 miles a day for my new job during my shift from 8am to 5pm, and the LORD was showing me to use all of my driving time for him! Just like the LORD had taught me earlier to use all of my bathroom time for him, he was now asking me to give him all of my driving time too. And he wasn’t just asking me, he pored down incredible grace into me allowing me to spend all of my time at work with him. JESUS gave me the ability to abide in him and wow what a wonderful blessing this was. I was constantly on fire for JESUS day and night, and the fire never went out. From 8am in the morning, until 5pm coming home, I spent the entire day worshiping JESUS, praying, and listening to Christian preaching on the car radio. My life was changing very quickly now, and it was during this time also when JESUS was supernaturally giving me all of my songs and lyrics to play and sing to him. I am absolutely convinced that worshiping him for hours at a time during the day, was very connected to the LORD literally writing the songs right through my fingers.
Day after day, week after week, I was dedicating the entire work day to the LORD, and it was such a special time in my life. I would go from worshiping him, to singing songs, then quickly changing radio stations at the correct time to listen to my favorite preachers. After a few weeks of this, I had memorized what time each of my favorite preachers would be speaking on the radio, so I was able to schedule out my worshiping of JESUS, before, in-between and after my favorite speakers were on the radio. During this time, JESUS was teaching me one thing after another after another, his lessons were coming non stop. The LORD was opening up my mind to brand new Christian principals, and all kinds of other important things that I needed to learn if he was going to use me to help others. He would teach me a few Christian principals, and then quickly give me the opportunity to share those truths with others. After dinner at night, when I would read the bible, many, many a time did I then read in the bible what JESUS had taught to me himself many weeks or months earlier. I could easily see how Paul was able to learn as much as he did without ever reading a new testament bible. By abiding in JESUS during my work days, the LORD was slowly teaching me the bible by himself.
After about one month on the job, I noticed that my boss was being very lazy in paying me the money that he owed me each week. I guess this was JESUS’ way of telling me it was time to find a new job. For reasons only GOD knows, he just didn’t want to pay me on time or even pay me at all. So with the LORD’S help, I was able to find another courier job real quickly for a much larger and more professional company.
I still was dedicating each and every day to the LORD in my car, and since this company was much larger then the last, I was also able to make more money now. I was driving between 200-300 miles a day Monday through Friday which was slowly ruining my brand new car, but at least the hours at work would fly by as long as I kept my focus on JESUS. I quickly became the number 1 driver at this large company and they were keeping me constantly busy from morning till dinner time with tons of work. Weeks were passing by quickly now, and the months were too. One of the Christian men from prison, who was now free, couldn’t believe it how much and how quickly I was changing. He kept telling me on a regular basis how he was in shock about how much the LORD was changing me and making changes in my life. Of course it was all the grace of JESUS allowing me to abide in him, but I was also happy I was changing too. My phone would ring non stop with people calling me and asking for help people to know JESUS better, or for encouragement. People were also calling me for prayer help and with a lot of their questions about GOD and many other topics. I still cant believe how fast we grow in the LORD when we abide in him for that many hours a day. It is even shocking to me when I think about how fast I was changing. Day after day my phone was ringing with people asking for help. So here is the picture now. In-between all of the work I was doing as a courier, and in-between all of the worshiping and praying that I was doing in my car, now I was also preaching, teaching and praying for people on the phone while driving down the freeway working as a courier. Day after day, week after week, month after month, even up to almost two years, found myself worshiping JESUS in my car, and praying constantly for people while driving down the freeways of Los Angeles and Orange County. What an incredible two year period that was in my life, the only bad thing was, that my car was being destroyed. I traded in my Ford Focus for a black Nissan Altima, but it would only be a few more months until I would quit being a courier completely to make a career change. My Dad was using my brand new Altima to drive to work, and in return I was using his older model car to work as a courier in. Well, his older car was breaking down all the time and it was costing us thousands of dollars to fix it. I guess that was the LORD’S way of showing me that it was time to find a new job. I knew I loved driving, but I also knew that being a courier ruins the cars too quickly so I had to choose another career. The LORD gently led me to become a Limousine driver.
I quit my job and was hired quickly at two different Limousine companies. I prayed about it, and chose the company that I felt GOD wanted me to choose. Wow, what a blessing it was to drive their car all day, while my car was able to sit in the parking lot. During the next six months, I drove for this mid sized Limousine company full time. I was able to keep up my worshiping of JESUS and listening to the preaching on the radio, but because the make up of this job was slightly different then being a courier, I just wasn’t able to do as much with JESUS as I was when I was a courier the last two years. When the Limousine company first hired me, there was plenty of work each day to make a good living, but that didn’t last long. After about four months of working full time for them, their business slowed down quite a lot. In fact, it got so slow, that I was praying every morning when I woke up from bed that there would be a job or two for me that day. For the next two months, they were very slow, and I was now crying out to JESUS for help on a regular basis. JESUS heard my cries, and he did help me. One day I was doing a job in the airport waiting to pick up my client who was coming off the plane, when I saw another limousine driver who happened to be standing right next to me. We started talking a little bit, and finally I asked him, is your company busy at this time? He said oh yeah! I said ok, are they hiring now, he said yes and he told me to go there and apply for a job right away, and to make sure I mentioned his name too. I didn’t know it at the time, but Tom, the man I was standing next to, was not only a Christian, but he was also a pastor.
I was hired as a Limo driver, but when I found out that they had a few dispatcher openings, we quickly called the owner’s Dad to ask him if I could train to be a dispatcher instead. He was all for the idea, so I started my three day training as a graveyard dispatcher. I didn’t know it at the time, but for the next 3 ½ years, I would be working the graveyard shift which gave me plenty of extra time to preach to people, teach people, pray for people and encourage everyone the very best I could. I would take my lunch breaks at 2am in the morning on a nightly basis, which of course I dedicated the entire hour for JESUS. During my lunch breaks, I would walk around the huge complex for the entire hour praying for everyone that I possibly could, and doing a little bit of worshiping too. Because the graveyard shift was so slow, I was able to read the bible every night too. But that wasn’t all I did. Every chance that JESUS gave me, I preached to the drivers, and any other employees that would be coming upstairs to my dispatch office during my late night shift. I also utilized this time to read, and I don’t just mean read, but I mean read! During this 3 ½ year period, I probably read the equivalent of two hundred books. JESUS used this job to teach me so many different things about myself, about him, and about many other Christian principals and lessons to.
Not everything was a bed of roses though, I still had a lot of darkness in me, and during 3 ½ years working for this company, JESUS gave me multiple chances to practice getting rid of my anger problem, and many other problems that were still inside of me for all of these years since my childhood. JESUS used the drivers the most, to teach me the various lessons that GOD wanted me to work on so as to become more of the image of JESUS myself. There were shouting matches with the drivers, and all kinds of other terrible things happening about once every 2 months. Praise JESUS Every year that passed by, a few of the Christian drivers would tell me how proud they were of me, and how they could easily see the progress that JESUS was doing in my life. There were multiple Christian drivers there from all different kinds of backgrounds that I worked with during the entire time that I was there. GOD worked on me with so many of the problems that I still had inside of me using this job to really bring them out and expose them to me. Many times we have a lot of darkness in us still, that we aren’t even aware of. GOD used this job to show me point blank about a lot of the problems that I still had buried inside of me.
The last year working for this company, I could honestly say that even I could see the huge differences in myself that GOD was doing for me. And if that wasn’t enough, the same Christian drivers once again were really complimenting me that last year of work there. I was preaching to some of the drivers that were working with me for the entire time I worked there, so a few of them were very upset when it was time to leave this company and continue my journey with JESUS to the next job.
I left the Limousine job after working with them just under four years, and the owners were angry that I was leaving. They were not happy one bit that I was quitting, but a Christian man that was working with me, told me that GOD told him that I should leave now. Well I didn’t listen right away, and things at my company were starting to get really bad. That same man came up to my office again, and said to me, I told you GOD wanted you to quit, so go ahead and quit already. Well, this time I did, and the LORD already had another job lined up for me.
I was hired at my new job even before I quit the dispatching job for the Limousine Company. My new boss was also a Christian, in fact he was a preacher and Christian musician too. I had no idea at the time, but GOD was going to use my relationship with my new boss to show that I still had a lot, and I mean A LOT of darkness still inside of me. For those of you who don’t understand that term darkness, that means that there was still a lot of emotional darkness or spiritual darkness that GOD wanted me to see. By showing me what was wrong with me, I could then pray that JESUS help me to get rid of all of that evil that was still inside of me. I could see that the healing process that JESUS was doing for me was going to not only take years, but possibly even a decade. When my boss and myself were having success at work, we seemed to get along ok, I use the word ok here because he was a very, very tough person to talk to. He liked to totally dominate the conversation even to the point that it was actually getting quite disgusting to even talk with him. Then out of nowhere, sales started to get worse and worse, and this is when we had two very vicious arguments over a 30 day period. The HOLY SPIRIT was showing us very clearly, what he wanted us to work on. I really don’t believe that my boss knew it at the time, but GOD made it crystal clear to me during those terrible arguments where we were screaming at each other. A few days after that second argument, I sent him a private email and apologized to him, but it was only a few weeks later where I ended up quitting that job. JESUS had a plan for my life, just like he does for all of you who are reading this now, but as far as working for that company, it was very clear to me to quit working for them right away, which is exactly what I did.
Even with all of the worshiping, bible reading, praying, and preaching to people that I was doing on a regular full time basis, not to mention all of the worship music that JESUS was writing through me, something was still very, very wrong. I would get lonely and depressed on a regular basis. One week I would be feeling great, and then the next few days I would totally crash emotionally to the point where I could get really sad or depressed. The first few years out of prison this went on constantly where I would be on such fire for JESUS, but late at night I would feel very lonely and sad. Well, what was happening was, late at night was when I would start to let my mind wander onto all kinds of bad topics that it should never ever think about. Late at night my mind would start thinking about how could I find a wife, or it might focus on the fact that im still alone and single, and all kinds of other bad things. I didn’t have any friends, so I did feel isolated from time to time. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had no idea at the time on how I could get rid of all of those bad emotions. A typical month for me would be like this; I would be on super fire for JESUS for a few weeks, then get very depressed for three days, then go back on fire for JESUS for one week, then get sad and lonely for five days. This went on and on for many years. JESUS was teaching me very, oh so very slowly that I really needed to watch what I thought about at all times, and to keep all of my thoughts monitored pushing all the bad ones out, and replacing them with good ones. This is actually quite hard to do, and it takes years of practice to get good at this. So for the first few years of being a free man, I allowed my mind to wander on to all kinds of bad things, which was bringing depression, sadness and loneliness into my life on a regular basis. It really doesn’t matter how much a person worships JESUS, or prays in a single day, if that night they let their mind wander onto a lot of bad and depressing topics, the loneliness and depression and sadness will come in like a flood. I went up and down spiritually and emotionally like this for many years, while I was slowly learning to monitor all of my thoughts during the day and night every single day of my life. We must win the battle that goes on in our mind, and this lesson was being taught to me over a nine year period of time. I am still practicing this tonight, to hold all of my thoughts captive. When I catch myself thinking of bad things, I quickly try to push those out and replace them with wonderful thoughts, or even better yet, I just start praying and talking to JESUS right away.
During my childhood years, there was a lot of emotional and spiritual suffering that I went through. It was during these terrible years as a child where it seemed to be that certain entities were able to come into me, or come into my life in a way where they lived with me from a very young age all the way to a middle aged man. What were these entities, I would say they were either demons, or some other kind of evil stronghold that was deep, really deep inside of me. I cannot say I know exactly what or who they were, but they seemed to bring to me a feeling of terrible abandonment, rejection and terrible emotional pain. In other words, each time people either rejected me, or abandoned me, those terrible feelings would rise up really strong in me from deep inside of my soul going back to childhood. The LORD in all his wisdom, had allowed this to happen in my life so I could then become the man of GOD that JESUS wanted me to be. That darkness or entities that I am mentioning here were with me my entire life, all the way up to about four weeks ago when my friend in Florida prayed with me on the phone. It was during his prayer on the phone with me when I could feel them leaving. I have now been free from that darkness for about one month and it is truly wonderful! Praise to JESUS for using my friend and our faith to finally set me free from that darkness. The same man who gave me the message from GOD that I should quit that Limousine Company, also gave me some insight into what was inside of me. He thought they were demons, but he wasn’t completely sure. We had a few long talks and we concluded that they were inside of me all the way back from childhood. Praise JESUS for giving me the grace and mercy in my life now to be free from that terrible pain.
About six months after my release from the Half Way House, I decided to try an internet dating site to see if JESUS might have a wife for me there. Before I was released from prison I was already praying for the LORD to send me a wonderful wife. Since JESUS had helped me to find a wonderful church, and he also answered my prayers of a good job and a brand new car, I was expecting complete success finding a Christian wife, and I knew inside of my heart that it would just be a matter of time before the LORD would send her to me. I was now working as a courier, and because the company was so busy, I did have a little extra money to give a dating site a try. Well, the first dating site I joined up with, was a complete failure! I had said hello to a lot of Christian women but something strange was happening. Woman after woman was showing NO interest in me at all. So I said to myself, ok, I am not sure what the LORD was telling me there, so I quickly tried another dating site on the internet. The exact same thing happened again. I introduced myself to a lot of women but not one of them was ever interested in me. I then proceeded to try a few more internet dating sites, and the exact same results happened over and over again. After introducing myself to many, many women, none of them were ever interested in me. About once every six months a woman might show a little interest in me, but when we went out to dinner, we would either end up getting into an argument, or the date would just go terribly bad. This went on with dating site after dating site with the exact same results. Over the period of a few years, I would try different dating sites from time to time, but no matter how many women I introduced myself to, none of them were ever interested in me. I had no idea at the time what JESUS was doing here, and this really hurt my feeling quite a lot. Sure, I was still worshiping JESUS in my car the entire day while at work, along with all of the praying and studying I was doing, but my heart was feel very sad. I was really starting to wonder why wouldn’t JESUS send a wife to me. As the years passed by and no matter how hard I tried to find a wife humanly speaking, the LORD wouldn’t budge.
Some of the Christian men I would meet from time to time would try to give me their human wisdom on how I could go about finding a wife. One brother told me that I preach to much, another person told me that I needed to go to a singles group in church. And on and on they went with their advice, but the one thing that they didn’t realize is this, JESUS is GOD and until the LORD sends someone for us to marry, there is absolutely nothing a person can do about it. I prayed for a wife thousands of times. I cried out to JESUS for help on a hundred different occasions. In the LORD’s incredible GODLY wisdom, he wasn’t going to give me a wife. Back then, I didn’t know that, so I would keep praying and crying out to him while joining up dating site after dating site as the years passed by. Yes I was still writing Christian music, and sure I was still praying, worshiping, reading the bible and preaching to tons of people day and night non stop, but on this one topic, I just couldn’t get JESUS to move. Every time I took my focus off of JESUS, I would get very lonely and sometimes depressed. This caused me even more to focus on finding a woman to marry. A few days would pass by of feeling lonely and depressed, then the LORD would send grace to me and bring me back to him where I would be able to focus on him again, pushing away all bad thoughts. Year after year passed by, where I would go from being on fire for JESUS, to feeling very lonely, sad, and depressed. I was a spiritual and emotional roller coaster. When I allowed my mind to think about being single, and how I didn’t have any friends, that pain would rise up inside of me just like did for most of my entire life going all the way back to my teen years. Then JESUS would slowly whisper for me to come back to him, and of course I would then feel much better.